"It's been reported that Kim Jong Il’s son has been chosen as the new leader of North Korea, over his two older brothers. That's right. They completely passed over Tito and Jermaine." –Conan O'Brien"Mitt Romney’s wife says her husband loves caffeine free Diet Coke. Or as it's known in the Mormon community, the ultimate gateway drug." –Conan O'Brien
"As they do every year, al-Qaida has threatened to disrupt and ruin Christmas. You know, we already have a group that disrupts and ruins Christmas every year. They're called relatives." –Jay Leno
"Kim Jong Il made his staff call him 'dear' and spent the day drinking cognac. It's like I have a twin, ladies and gentlemen." –David Letterman
"The family is saying now that in lieu of flowers for Kim Jong Il, they encourage you to send enriched uranium." –David Letterman"North Korean leader Kim Jong Il died of a heart attack. No one knows what triggers it. He had a lot of money riding apparently on the Denver Broncos so he was pretty upset." –Conan O'Brien
"It is being reported that school children in North Korea were taught that Kim Jong Il did not ever use the bathroom. So today, most school children in North Korea assumed that their fearless leader exploded." –Conan O'Brien
"I was at the airport and it is so cold out there that to keep warm, the TSA agents were actually putting their hands in their own pants." –David Letterman
"Donald Trump said he was going to run for president and then he didn't run. But now he may be serious because I understand he has demanded to see his own birth certificate." –David Letterman
"Newt Gingrich is demanding that judges be arrested. I thought, 'Whoa, that's what two divorces will do for you." –David Letterman
"The White House already had its annual Hanukkah reception. Yeah, first Obama lit a menorah. Then Biden made a wish and blew it out." –Jimmy Fallon
"Kim Jong Il, the crazy leader of North Korea who hate us, passed away over the weekend. And get this — his 28-year-old son, Kim Jong Un is taking over. It won’t be easy. He’s got some big women’s sunglasses to fill." –Jimmy Fallon
"North Korea announced the passing of their supreme leader, Kim Jong Il. His younger son will take over. At first, there was speculation that power could pass to one of Kim’s two sisters, Kourtney Jong Il or Khloe Jong Il." –Jay Leno
"When Rick Perry was told about Kim Jong Il, he said, 'I never heard of him, but then again, I don't listen to that rap.'" –Jay Leno
"During the debate the other night, Rick Perry compared himself to Tim Tebow. You know what Rick and Tebow have in common? Both their seasons will end before February." –Jay Leno
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