"Tonight Democrats and Republicans paired up and sat next to each other. Fifty-five years after Rosa Parks we finally integrated Washington." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The Republican response to the speech was fairly gracious. They said it was a pretty good speech for a foreigner." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama made a major announcement tonight. He's Oprah's half-brother. That's why there's been so much confusion about the birth certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama made his annual State of the Union address tonight from Washington, D.C. It was on all the channels. One of the shows they pre-empted was an hour of "America's Biggest Loser," which means all those fat people exercised this week for no reason at all." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama's focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He's promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Obama wants to freeze government spending for the next five years and then in year six have a huge party and blow all of it." –Jimmy Kimmel
