"Al Qaeda has unleashed a stream of verbal attacks against President Obama, calling him names and saying his policies will all end in failure. Well, who do these people think they are, Rush Limbaugh?" --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama has given his first sit-down interview since he took the oath of office. He gave it to an Arabic television network, which seems kind of strange. I mean, if Barack Obama wanted to give interview to a network that's not seen in the United States, why not go with NBC?" --Jay Leno
"Actually, a lot of Arabs are upset with the interview because it preempted their most popular TV show, a Palestinian sitcom called '30 Rocks.'" --Jay Leno
"And President Obama said today when it comes to passing a stimulus package, 'We can't afford distractions' or 'delays.' And, of course, you know who took offense to this in Congress? The head of the Senate Distractions and Delays Committee. He was furious." --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama has also signed an executive order officially banning torture in the United States. There goes Dick Cheney's retirement, huh? What is he supposed to do now?" --Jay Leno
"Oh, last night, we talked about how Citigroup took $50 million of the bailout money we gave them and bought a corporate jet. Well, Citigroup now says they were not going to take possession of the jet. They said they're going to lose money on it because they put a huge deposit on it, but they now realize it was a mistake. They said this is the most overpriced jet since Brett Favre." --Jay Leno
"And on 'Good Morning America,' Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich said he considered offering the vacant Senate seat to Oprah Winfrey, but changed his mind when she wouldn't give him a car." --Jay Leno
"And disgraced baseball player Jose Canseco fought to a draw with former child star Danny Bonaduce this past weekend in a celebrity boxing match. Did you ever see Canseco? He's huge! What is he, 80 pounds heavier and a foot taller than Danny Bonaduce? And he's on steroids! You still can't beat him?" --Jay Leno
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