"Yesterday, President-elect Barack Obama talked about the recession. He described the economy as 'very sick.' That's what he said. Yeah. Historians say it was a childish way to describe a complex problem, but still the smartest thing they've heard a president say in eight years." --Conan O'Brien
"Congress was sworn in this morning, and USA Today says that the average age of the members makes it the oldest Congress ever. Yeah, which explains why today, they passed three bills and four gallstones." --Conan O'Brien
"I'm honored to have been appointed the new junior senator from the state of Illinois. Thank you very much. Funny thing is, I'm still writing 2008 on the checks I sent to Governor Blagojevich." --Jimmy Kimmel
"President-elect Barack Obama and his family made the move from Chicago to Washington, D.C., over the weekend, so their daughters, Malia and Sasha, could start school with the other kids coming back from break. They're enrolled in the Sidwell Friends School, which is a very exclusive private school. Chelsea Clinton went there, and to give you an idea of how exclusive it is, someone got ahold of the school lunch menu. Now this for real. One day menu's, local pumpkin and sage soup, salad du jour, Caesar salad, chopped salad, spaghetti and meatballs, roasted butternut squash [on screen: a copy of the menu]. Disgusting, really disgusting stuff. No one would feed to that kind of garbage to their children. And while that might seem like a bit much for a bunch of 6-, 7- and 8-year old kids, I was actually looking through their wine list this morning and it's very reasonably priced. What would you recommend with Funyons, a Chablis?" --Jimmy Kimmel
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