"Hey, did you see this in the paper? In an interview with the Washington Times, Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not a big fan of rap music. You could have knocked me over with a feather. I was stunned by that. Actually, I'm surprised. I mean, look at the guy. He gets driven around in a limo, surrounded by bodyguards, shot a guy in the face -- he is a rap star." --Jay Leno
"Well, let's see what's going on. Unemployment is up again, especially if you're the new senator from Illinois trying to go to work." --Jay Leno
"Well, today on Capitol Hill, Roland Burris, who is Illinois Governor Rod Bla-son-of-a-bitch, is that his name? Blagojevich, Blagojevich. He's the guy appointed to fill Barack Obama's seat. He was turned away and denied his seat in the Senate. Yeah, it's the worst thing that happened to a guy named Burris not involving a gun and a pair of sweatpants." --Jay Leno
"And the sad thing is, this Burris guy is kind of caught in the middle of this whole thing. Because legal analysts say in appointing the senator, Blagojevich may have actually acted legally. He may have acted legally. God, there's a first time for everything, huh?" --Jay Leno
"I love this part. He was turned away because they said he didn't meet the high standards of the Senate. Gee. I wonder which senator turned him down. Do you think it was the one who embezzled the money? Maybe it was the one that got caught with the hooker? I know, I'll bet it was the one caught fornicating near the urinal in the airport bathroom. That was the one, exactly." --Jay Leno
"And President-elect Barack Obama has now named former Clinton Chief of Staff Leon Panetta to be his director of the CIA. But a lot of senators are criticizing this, because they say Panetta is not an intelligence professional. You know, like President Bush." --Jay Leno
"And in an interview over the weekend, President Bush revealed that he has a prized collection of over 250 autographed baseballs, which would be very impressive if he were 10." --Jay Leno
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