"I don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, but in this country, people are getting fatter. But now, to add insult to injury, or injury to insult, they have isolated the fattest state in the United States. Yup. Mississippi. And I thought, well, this is no surprise. You know the state motto of Mississippi? Right there on the flag, it says, 'Are you gonna finish that?'" --David Letterman
"You know anything about -- we had a guy in town, he's gone away to jail now for 150 years -- Bernie Madoff? And now the U.S. government has started trying to find out about his wife, who had, like, $87 million. And she kept saying, now this is not money that Bernie swiped. This is not -- this is not money that he swindled. This is not swindling money. You see, this is money I saved by switching to Geico. They said, 'What?! That's -- how is that possible lady?'" --David Letterman
"So they took all of that money and she's down to $2.5 million. But I was thinking, you know, with that and her Social Security and the $10 billion she has hidden in the Cayman Islands, well, she should be all right." --David Letterman
"But Ruth Madoff says she had no idea what Bernie was up to. And I thought, well, what a coincidence, neither did the SEC." --David Letterman
"But Ruth -- listen to this -- Ruth lost her house. Ruth lost her house, lost her car; has lost her savings. I mean, I'm telling you, it's like being a Bernie Madoff client." --David Letterman
"You folks worried about North Korea? … Everybody is getting paranoid about North — I took Mom to see the fireworks and every time they set off a big one, she'd scream, 'It's North Korea!'" --David Letterman
"It's frightening times, when you think about it, with all these dictators. And they are all smallish. They're all on the small side. Kim Jong-Il, tiny guy. Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, tiny guy. Mayor Bloomberg, tiny guy." --David Letterman
"But anyway, over the weekend, North Korea test-fired several missiles. And it was their way of saying: 'Iran's not the craziest country. We are the craziest country, so get ready.'" --David LettermanFollow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names----Funny Political Cartoons
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