"It was that fateful day in July that we planted the Stars and Stripes in the lunar surface, officially claiming the moon as America's space Puerto Rico. It was all ours. It was the culmination of a dream. ... It took us ten years, astronauts' lives, billions of dollars, and all we did is hit a f***ing golf ball? ... I can't help but think, if only there'd been Moon Indians. By now, we'd probably have hourly shuttles to the moon casinos that we had to give them as an apology for the terrible Earthpox epidemic of 1973." --Jon Stewart
"Several weeks ago, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford disappeared without explanation for five days. Now of course, as it turns out, he didn't really disappear. It turns out he was hiking on the Appalachian Trail. Which is a trail that starts in Maine and ends in an Argentine woman's vagina." --Jon Stewart
"Since then, the governor has apologized many times, most recently in an open letter to the people of South Carolina in which he promised to 'trust god in his larger work of changing me.' I thought Reform Judaism was lax! This Christianity thing sounds amazing! See, you're not banging a hot Argentinean woman. You're 'undergoing a religious metamorphosis.' And, you get to do that and eat bacon. I'm in!" --Jon Stewart
"But to me, the best part about this story were the love letters, the bearing of one's soul in a plaintive attempt to woo the affection of another. I was certainly not talking about the letters that Sanford wrote to his Argentinean paramour. I haven't seen those. I'm talking about the letters that journalists wrote to Sanford's office to try and get the governor to appear on their 'news' programs. Beware [on screen: lights dim, 70s-style music fades in]. I'm going to share a few of these emails. I'll warn you, they're hot. Might want to have the kids to leave the room. Aw, yeah [on screen: text of some journalists' emails to Sanford's office, while footage of wild animals procreating plays in the background]. ... Now, in these journalists' defense, we added the animals having sex." --Jon Stewart
| The Daily Show With Jon Stewart | Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c | |||
| To Sir, With Love | ||||
| ||||
Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names----Funny Political Cartoons
0 comments:
Post a Comment