"Do you remember the governor of South Carolina, Governor Mark Sanford? He told everyone he was going for a hike and in actuality he went to Argentina. Now, his wife says -- and you can't blame her -- that she was so curious about the woman that her husband was having the affair with down there in Argentina, that she googled his mistress. And I thought, wait a minute, that's what got him in trouble, was googling his mistress." --David Letterman
"Now, here is a statistic that, I don't know if it means anything -- it's got to mean something -- 90% of all paper currency -- money, you know -- has traces of cocaine. Ninety percent of all paper money in this country, traces of cocaine. Talk about your stimulus money." --David Letterman
"Had a $20 bill today. I thought Ben Franklin looked a little jumpy." --David Letterman
"On the bright side, at least American money is worth something again." --David Letterman
"Seriously, is this an audience or a death panel? By God, let's get something going. Do you understand the problem? Health insurance, Congress not doing anything. They have town halls, people getting hot, everybody worked up about health insurance, I think, thank God I'm with CBS. CBS has a tremendous healthcare package. Here is the deal. If I get sick, I can only be treated by Dr. Phil." --David Letterman
"And then, under the CBS health plan, when I die, I get to be a corpse on a 'CSI' show." --David Letterman
"People are worried that, if the health care plan that the President wants goes through, that a death panel will decide what life-sustaining measures should be applied to the elderly. Well, you know, it's the same thing ABC does with Regis." --David Letterman
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