"Hot in New York City today. It was so hot, I was sweating like Granny before a death panel." --David Letterman
"Oh, man, did you see the PGA Championship over the weekend? Tiger Woods never lost a major when he's been leading, you know, halfway through the dang tournament. And then this kid, Y.E. Yang, comes along and he defeats him. And I felt bad for Tiger. He was upset. He was upset. As a matter of fact, Obama had been watching the contest. He knows that he is upset. So he invited Tiger and Yang to the White House for a beer." --David Letterman
"Did you see Hillary Clinton? There was videotape of her in Africa at a press conference and somebody asks her something and she gets angry. Did you see that? Well, now they're talking to her husband, Bill Clinton, and he says that he had not seen the press conference and had not seen the videotape of the press conference. And I'm thinking, I bet this guy's got a pretty good idea of what Hillary's like when she's angry." --David Letterman
"The Obamas visited the Grand Canyon and I was thinking, yeah, well, New York City's got potholes bigger than that." --David Letterman
"And then Obama was in Mexico the previous week. And he met with a group of North American leaders. And afterwards he laid a wreath at the grave of the Taco Bell Chihuahua." --David Letterman
"You know what? It's the 40th anniversary of Woodstock. Did you realize that at the original Woodstock, Dick Cheney was there, later Vice President Dick Cheney. Yeah, he was there hunting hippies." --David Letterman
"Happy birthday to Madonna -- 51 years old on Saturday. And I thought this was nice. President Obama phoned Madonna on her birthday and reassured her that no one was going to pull the plug on her." --David Letterman
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