"Former President Clinton flew back from North Korea on a private jet accompanied by two beautiful reporters who he rescued from being sent to an all-female prison camp. That's pretty amazing. Yeah. In other words, after years of wasting his time as president, Clinton has finally found his calling. Isn't that nice?" --Conan O'Brien
"The White House was reluctant to send Clinton to North Korea and imposed several conditions on the trip. Yep. First condition was that Clinton travel as a private citizen. Second, that he not negotiate with Kim Jong-Il. And third, he stop calling the trip a 'booty call.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Mel Martinez, the Senate's only Hispanic Republican, announced he's stepping down. When asked why, Martinez said, 'I'm sick of the other Republicans asking me the difference between a chalupa and a chimichanga.'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is a weird story. Someone recently tried to sell an Xbox that was autographed by Sarah Palin for $1.1 million. Yeah. Unfortunately, the Palin Xbox kept quitting in the middle of every game." --Conan O'Brien
"Hey, yesterday, did you hear this? Computer hackers managed to shut down Twitter and my favorite, Facebook, for several hours. In a related story, yesterday American productivity jumped by 159%." --Conan O'Brien
"I can't believe he said this -- on his radio show, Rush Limbaugh recently said, 'Adolf Hitler, like Barack Obama, ruled by dictate.' Yeah. So folks, it took a while, but Obama has finally won over Rush Limbaugh." --Conan O'Brien
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