well folks its crunch time..who ya gonna vote for?..Funny Mitt Romney pictures
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny. Show all posts
Friday, November 2, 2012
Sunday, September 25, 2011
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Funny Late Night Arnold Schwarzenegger Political Jokes
"The Obama campaign is selling t-shirts with his long-form birth certificate and 'Made in the U.S.A.' Arnold Schwarzenegger is selling t-shirts that say 'Maid in the bedroom, made in the kitchen...'" –Jay Leno"Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver have put their mansion on the market for 23 million dollars. The mansion is nice but it's not all that clean. They had a maid, but she was always busy doing other stuff." –Jimmy Fallon
"You know what Arnold Schwarzenegger and Meg Whitman have in common? They both got in trouble for stiffing the maid. And today Arnold was offered the job as the new head of the International Monetary Fund." –Jay Leno
"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a lovechild back in 2003. To be fair, Arnold has been taking financial responsibility for the child: education, health care ... everything he's taken away from every other child in California." –Craig Ferguson
"I guess 'love child' is a nicer term than 'OK-Maria's-asleep child.' The woman was an employee. I'm not sure what she did, but I think she worked on Arnold's staff." –Craig Ferguson
"Arnold Schwarzenegger announced he's putting his career on hold to concentrate on personal matters. Either that or he's putting Korea on hold. It's hard to understand him. He told his talent agency to hold all his projects while he cleans up his personal mess. That's what happens when you impregnate your maid. There's no one to clean up messes for you." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Nobody believes Arnold could have kept this from Maria Shriver for 10 years because that would have required acting." -Bill Maher
"Arnold Schwarzenegger fathered a child with his maid. I can't believe no one knew this was Arnold's son. When he came out of the womb, he snapped his own umbilical cord." –Jimmy Kimmel
"I don't know that 'love child' is an accurate term. I'd call it an 'oh crap' child." –Jimmy Kimmel
"There have been rumors going around for years now about a half Austrian, half Mexican baby – who could bench-press a Ford Expedition." –Jimmy Kimmel
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Funny Political Jokes Craig Ferguson Rips on Bin Laden
The CIA is going through the stuff they found in Osama bin Laden's compound, including a diary. I didn't know he had a diary. That is so sweet. They haven't read the diary yet because they can't find the little key to open it up." –Craig Ferguson
"Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson
"Osama bin Laden kept a diary. Well that's very sweet, isn't it? Turns out his secret desire was to sneak into New York and catch a showing of 'Mamma Mia.' He briefly considered joining the cast of 'Two and a Half Men.'" –Craig Ferguson
"Isn't it odd how history's greatest monsters have an artistic side? Osama bin Laden was a writer. Hitler was a painter. Justin Bieber is a singer." –Craig Ferguson
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Political jokes from Jimmy Kimmel about Donald Trump
"Trump is very reluctant to release his tax returns. Either he doesn’t make as much money as he wants people to think he does, or he doesn't want anyone to know he claims his hairpiece as a dependent." –Jimmy Kimmel
"In an interview yesterday, Donald Trump said he has a good relationship with 'the blacks.' Well, not anymore." –Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama celebrated Passover with a Seder at the White House. This morning, Donald Trump demanded to see Obama's Bar Mitzvah certificate." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Trump accused George Stephanopoulos of being co-opted by Obama's minions. Anyone who knows Stephanopoulos knows he's minion-proof – and lactose intolerant." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Speaker of the House John Boehner says he will not host a Cinco de Mayo celebration this year. Boehner says he has nothing against Hispanic Americans, and in fact his speaker of the housekeeper is Hispanic. Apparently there's something about those poor, defenseless piñatas being beaten with sticks that makes Boehner cry." –Jimmy Kimmel
Monday, December 27, 2010
Funny Political Jokes Jay Leno
"A new poll shows President Obama ahead of Sarah Palin 54 percent to 39 percent in a potential match up. You know what that means? John McCain could get Barack Obama elected twice." –Jay Leno
"Vice President Joe Biden said there has been no 'substantive damage' to the United States by Julian Assange in the whole WikiLeaks scandal. He says it has been embarrassing, but you can't prosecute people for embarrassing the United States. If that were true, Joe Biden would be serving life in prison." –Jay Leno
"It was so cold in Washington, President Obama got into bed with the Republicans just for the warmth." –Jay Leno
"A group of TSA workers at LAX airport have formed a choir to sing to passengers. That's just what you want, a guy with his hands down your pants going, 'Do you feel what I feel?'" –Jay Leno
"On a flight from Cuba to Canada, a man threatened to shoot flight attendants after they stopped serving him drinks. He has been charged with making death threats and if convicted, he could lose his pilot's license." –Jay Leno
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Monday, August 30, 2010
Friday, August 20, 2010
Funny Political Jokes By Jimmy Kimmel
"President Obama was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The president's security left traffic in Los Angeles paralyzed. It took some people two hours to get home from work, when it usually only takes 96 minutes." –Jimmy Kimmel
"I don't understand why the president has to drive. He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere." –Jimmy Kimmel
"After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines." –Jimmy Kimmel
"He could get up to five years, though that's very unlikely. He'll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Can you imagine Rod Blagojevich in a prison jumpsuit? He'd look like a traffic cone with a Koosh ball on top." –Jimmy Kimmel
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Monday, July 26, 2010
Funny Political Jokes by Jimmy Fallon
"Yesterday, President Obama thanked the WNBA champions the Phoenix Mercury for showing his daughters that they can be athletic and still be attractive. And then Michelle Obama said, 'AHEM!'" –Jimmy Fallon
"The Obamas invited Broadway stars to perform at the White House. Unfortunately, things got a little awkward when Barack told one lady how great she was in 'Wicked,' then realized it was just Nancy Pelosi." –Jimmy Fallon
"Bristol Palin wants Levi Johnston to wear a camouflage vest at their wedding next month. When she heard that, Sarah Palin was like, 'That's fine, I wasn't planning on aiming that high anyway.'" –Jimmy Fallon
"Malia Obama is about to go to summer camp for the first time. And you can tell that Michelle picked out the camp, because whenever they make s'mores, they just melt zucchini in between two Wheat Thins." –Jimmy Fallon
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Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Funny Political Jokes By David Letterman
"This just in. President Obama is looking into trading Mel Gibson to Russia." –David Letterman
"Over the years, Mel Gibson has insulted Jews, African-Americans, and Mexicans. Don’t worry, if he hasn’t insulted your ethnicity yet, he’ll get around with it." –David Letterman
"George Steinbrenner turned the New York Yankees from a $10 million franchise to a billion-dollar franchise. His secret was the $9 hot dog." –David LettermanFollow On Twitter
Classic Funny Political Quotes From Obama
"I've now been in 57 states -- I think one left to go."
"I'm so overexposed, I'm making Paris Hilton look like a recluse."
"My friends, we live in the greatest nation in the history of the world. I hope you'll join with me as we try to change it."
Why can't I just eat my waffle?"
"Three words: Vice President Oprah"
Come on! I just answered, like, eight questions."
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Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Craig Ferguson Funny Political jokes
"It is a great day for America's Supreme Court. President Obama just nominated Elena Kagan to be the next Supreme Court justice. He went against the advice of Joe Biden. Biden wanted Iron Man." –Craig Ferguson
"The British elections were last Thursday, but they still don't know who's running the country. The whole country is topsy-turvy. People are skipping afternoon tea. Some have even taken to brushing their teeth." –Craig Ferguson
"Britain's current prime minister, Gordon Brown, announced that he is stepping down and his replacement might be the education secretary, a gentleman named Ed Balls. I would like to make a plea on behalf of late night talk show hosts and bad comedians everywhere — I implore the voters of Britain to make sure that happens. " –Craig Ferguson
"I'm glad here in the U.S. we always know who's running things. Oprah." –Craig FergusonFollow On Twitter
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