"Today, former President Bill Clinton met with North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il and convinced him to release two American journalists that have been jailed since March. Isn't that great? This is big, yeah. Or as Clinton calls it, another Asian happy ending." --Conan O'Brien
"Bill Clinton got the two journalists released. This is fantastic news. And then afterwards, Clinton told the hostages, 'I, too, know what it's like to be held captive by an evil tyrant who wears ladies' sunglasses. I feel your pain.'" --Conan O'Brien
"It's President Obama's 48th birthday. The President has asked that in lieu of sending a gift, people just make a donation to his favorite charity, General Motors." --Conan O'Brien
"Yesterday, Senator John McCain announced he's going to vote against the confirmation of Sonia Sotomayor. However, McCain did say he thought she was great in 'West Side Story.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The White House today said that President Obama will not call Iranian Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to congratulate him on his re-election. Even worse for Ahmadinejad, Joe Biden will call." --Conan O'Brien
"Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin is on vacation. And today -- I don't know if you saw this -- he was photographed on horseback without his shirt. The photograph won't appear in the newspaper, but it will appear on the cover of Danielle Steele's new novel 'Iron Fist, Velvet Heart.'" --Conan O'Brien
"The United States Postal Service says they might lose $7 billion this year. Apparently, the post office will lose the seven billion when it mails the money to itself." --Conan O'Brien
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