"I want to say happy birthday today to Barack Obama. The President just turned 48 years old, if he was ever really born, that is." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I guess it all depends on whether you believe his 'birth certificate' or not." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But Obama's birthday is a reminder of why healthcare is so important. As you probably know, due to a lack of healthcare coverage, Obama's mother was turned away from a number of hospitals and was ultimately forced to give birth in a manger." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I thought this was nice. The First Lady, Michelle Obama, got him a brand new pair of her jeans for his birthday." --Jimmy Kimmel
"But what do you get for the man who has Oprah, you know?" --Jimmy Kimmel
"Meanwhile, former President Bill Clinton is on his way home from North Korea right now. He made a surprise visit to attempt to secure the release of two female American journalists -- two young, shapely, attractive female journalists who were imprisoned by North Korean police after they illegally crossed the border from China. The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon and in return he got 20 pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. So, a little something to spruce up his wardrobe." --Jimmy Kimmel
"I don't know what exactly Clinton said to North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Il, but it worked, because they released them. And I have to say, it was nice to see Bill Clinton get a release he's not almost impeached for, for a change." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The rumor is they made a deal. Kim Jong-Il gave the women a special pardon, and in return, he got twenty pairs of Hillary's pantsuits. ... Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners and brings them back. That's like Rambo." --Jimmy Kimmel
"So that's pretty impressive. Clinton goes over there, frees the prisoners, and brings them back. I mean, that's like Rambo, you know. And by the way now -- plenty of time for the ladies to say thanks on the long plane ride home." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And May God help any nation that tries to kidnap Megan Fox!" --Jimmy Kimmel
"One thing I noticed from the pictures of the trip -- check this out -- here's Kim Jong Il, all right, seated there. And here's Mahmoud-A-Members-Only-Jacket of Iran. The official uniform of the psychopathic leader is the khaki zip-up." --Jimmy Kimmel
"This is something. Because of the economy, the Postal Service is being forced to close several hundred post offices around the country. … The Postal Service is facing a $7 billion budget short fall this year. So in addition to closing the post offices, they're also raising the price of a first-class stamp. It will now be $4,000." --Jimmy Kimmel
"And it's a shame to see people out of work, but I have to admit I am looking forward to hearing postal workers complain how slow the lines are at the unemployment office. Right?" --Jimmy Kimmel
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