"There's talk that the elections last week in Afghanistan were rigged. Boy, I didn't see that coming." --David Letterman
"Couple of years ago down in Cuba, Fidel Castro they thought, oh, he might be dying because he had some kind of surgery and he is an older fellow, in is 80s. But now, over the weekend, it's all Fidel Castro. He is everywhere. And he was on television. He looked fit. He looked healthy. He looked happy. He was so impressive, as a matter of fact, CIA is actually thinking of sending Squeaky Fromme down there to take a shot at him." --David Letterman
"Barack Obama is taking a vacation on Martha's Vineyard. Earlier today, you know, bound to happen, awkward moment. He is out on the beach, runs into John McCain looking for coins with a metal detector." --David Letterman
"But President Obama says he's going to play golf, he's going to swim, and he's going to work his way through the Julia Child cookbook." --David Letterman
"But Obama is spending the week at a $30,000 dollar-a-week beach house. And they call this guy a socialist? Come on!" --David Letterman
"But Obama is going to take two weeks to unwind, as opposed to President Bush, who never wound." --David Letterman
"Miss Venezuela is our new Miss Universe, ladies and gentlemen. Beautiful, beautiful. She came out dressed as a barrel of overpriced oil." --David Letterman
"But the Miss Universe pageant is fascinating. It's judged on poise -- you have to have poise -- judged on beauty, and also how you walk in high heels. What a coincidence, it's also how the Republicans pick a vice presidential candidate. The same criteria." --David Letterman
"Anybody take advantage of the government's 'cash for clunkers' program? I was able to unload a couple of shows from last week." --David Letterman
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