"Meteorologists are now saying Hurricane Bill has been downgraded to a tropical depression. They say Bill officially hit the depression stage after a surprise run-in with Hurricane Hillary." --Conan O'Brien
"Speaking of former President Clinton, this is weird. Former President Clinton recently had to clear out of his office for a few days because it's infested with bed bugs. Experts are calling it the 500th reason President Clinton shouldn't be allowed to have a bed in his office." --Conan O'Brien
"Fox News host Glenn Beck has lost over 30 sponsors since he called President Obama a racist. And the latest sponsor that he just lost is Clorox bleach. That's amazing. Even a company whose sole purpose is to make things whiter thinks Glenn Beck has gone too far." --Conan O'Brien
"Well, 'cash for clunkers' ended today. But they're coming out with a new 'cash for clunkers' program that will give consumers a rebate when they trade in old home appliances. Have you heard that? It's great news for anyone who owns a Buick toaster oven." --Conan O'Brien
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