"Thank you all for coming out on such a hot day. What was it, 104? … It was so hot today, John Edwards promised his mistress he would marry her on top of an igloo with Ice Cube playing." --Jay Leno
"President Barack Obama addressed the U.N. General Assembly today. His opening line was, 'Some of you may recognize me from my appearances on television.'" --Jay Leno
"Actually, in his first eight months in office, President Obama has made four times as many TV appearances as President Bush. Experts say if Obama continues at this rate, next week he will eclipse Regis." --Jay Leno
"And Iranian leader Mahmoud I'm-a-nut-job, he's in New York this week. Boy, he's really grumpy. I guess the movie on the flight over from Iran was 'Schindler's List.' And he just didn't like that." --Jay Leno
"And Libyan leader Moammar Qaddafi-duck, this moron, was at the U.N. today. He talked forever. He talked on Israel and the swine flu and the JFK assassination. Where was Kanye West to grab the microphone away?" --Jay Leno
"He talked so long, even Joe Biden went, 'Enough!'" --Jay Leno
"Well, this terror stuff is back in the news. Earlier today, the feds issued a new terror alert. They said terrorists are looking at hitting successful entertainment centers, so you folks at NBC are perfectly safe." --Jay Leno
"Well, I'm sure you heard about this story. Officials have charged three men born in Afghanistan in this terror probe. An official says much of the evidence gathered was suggestive of a plot to attack buses or trains. How scary is that? Imagine terrorists being able to blow up an Amtrak train before it has a chance to run off the embankment on its own." --Jay Leno
"And they said if a bomb went off in the LA subway system, it could affect up to three people." --Jay Leno
"Anyway, this terror suspect who was arrested in Colorado that was charged with detailed plans on how to make the bomb - here's my favorite part. The guy said he downloaded the plans to make the bomb off the Internet by mistake. Oh, shut up, that's the porn excuse! Wives don't even buy that! Shut up!" --Jay Leno
"And according to a front page story in the LA Times, the CIA is deploying teams of spies, analysts, and paramilitary operatives to Afghanistan as part of a broad intelligence search. They said this should catch the Taliban by surprise, unless, of course, they happen to see the front page of the L.A. Times." --Jay Leno
"Hey, did you see this? A dinner with Sarah Palin just sold on eBay for $64,000. Meanwhile, John McCain got the prime rib and baked potato for only $4.99 at Caro's." --Jay Leno
"And Sarah Palin gave a speech today in Hong Kong. She was very tough on President Obama. She attacked President Obama on foreign soil. Well, I'm sure the people that went after the Dixie Chicks will be going after her right now." --Jay Leno
"Some good gossip. There's a new book out about Barack and Michelle Obama's marriage. And in it, they say that Michelle Obama was very upset by all these drooling blonds who would push up to her husband and rub themselves up against him. They said this. One blonde was especially suggestive and kept rubbing up against the President. And finally, Michelle said, 'Look, Chris Matthews, get away from my husband.'" --Jay Leno
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