"Well, if you saw '60 Minutes,' you probably saw this. President Obama coming under fire, because he has only spoken to the U.S. commander in Afghanistan once in the last six months. Well, whose fault is that? Hey, if the general wants to talk to President Obama, get a talk show. That's how you do it." --Jay Leno
"Well, actually, to be fair, I thought this was nice, President Obama said he's been very busy lately, but he would be willing to add the general as a Facebook friend." --Jay Leno
"Officials have learned that some Al Qaeda suicide bombers, in an effort to avoid detection are hiding explosives inside their buttocks. Well, this whole thing started because somebody tried to assassinate a Saudi prince last month by detonating an explosive device they had hidden in their rectum. This is real. Luckily, the only person killed was the suicide bomber. But he really had the bomb hidden in his rectum. Here's my question. At what point in the planning of these attacks do they tell the suicide bomber? I mean you got these guys. 'OK, boss, I'm ready to be a martyr. I'm ready to die for my cause. Where's my dynamite vest?' 'Listen, Khalid, we've made some changes.'" --Jay Leno
"Well, a new book is coming out -- oh, boy, this is unbelievable -- by John Edwards' campaign official, a guy named Andrew Young. I guess they were quite close friends. Young now says there is sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Well, of course, people are stunned by this. John Edwards letting someone else get in front of the camera? I don't think so." --Jay Leno
"You know, I think it is true, because at one point on the tape, at the height of passion, you can hear John Edwards screaming out his own name." --Jay Leno
"Senator Chris Dodd, who is head of the Senate Banking Committee, is pushing for one super-regulator to oversee all the banks. He said his goal to restore more confidence in the banking system. You know what would restore more confidence in the banking system? If Chris Dodd wasn't head of the Senate Banking Committee." --Jay Leno
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