"The big news was the Senate yesterday - the finance committee - rejected the Democrats' health-care plan, the one with the public option. Meanwhile, the Republicans are offering their own health-care plan. It's called, 'Stop Crying and Take an Advil.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"If that doesn't pass, they're going to go with, 'Swine Flu Fever, Catch It.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"Nancy Pelosi attended the U2 concert last night in Washington, D.C., as Bono's personal guest. She had a great time. The whole night she was on the verge of making an expression." --Jimmy Fallon
"U2 even dedicated a song to her face -- 'Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get Out Of.'" --Jimmy Fallon
"She almost shed a tear. But she doesn't have tear ducts." --Jimmy Fallon
"Michelle Obama told Prevention magazine that at 45 she wants to be in the best shape of her life. Meanwhile, Joe Biden told the magazine that he wants to be in the shape of a unicorn." --Jimmy Fallon
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