"Because of the bad economy, did you hear this? A lot of Americans are planning to save money by wearing the same costume they wore last year. Yeah. So, if you see me tomorrow night, that's why I'm dressed as a lady astronaut in a diaper. Brings back memories, doesn't it, huh?" --Conan O'Brien
"President Obama has made a stunning announcement. President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, apparently he's promised them 72 virgins and full dental coverage." --Conan O'Brien
"In a new interview, President Obama admitted that he has had 'bumps in his marriage.' Yeah. After hearing this, Bill Clinton said, 'Bumps? I would kill for bumps!'" --Conan O'Brien
"Some bad news for Sarah Palin. I don't know if you heard this, according to a recent survey when asked, 7 out of 10 people said Sarah Palin is not qualified to be president. 7 out of 10. Yeah. Even worse, the question was, 'Are you happy with your long-distance service?'" --Conan O'Brien
"This is a really weird story, political experts say that when former President Clinton traveled to North Korea recently, he may have met with an actor playing Kim Jong-Il, instead of the real guy. It's true. On the bright side, at least now we know what happened to Margaret Cho." --Conan O'Brien
"Did you hear this? President Obama has approved a new plan to pay members of the Taliban to switch sides and support the United States. Yeah, in a related story, 10 million unemployed Americans just joined the Taliban." –Conan O'Brien
"Now everybody's fine, but CNN's Lou Dobbs recently had to call the police because someone fired shots at his home. Yeah. Dobbs said he didn't see or hear the shooter, but described him as Hispanic." –Conan O'Brien
"Former President George W. Bush is busy. That's right. He's going to India tomorrow to give a speech. Yep. The speech will be entitled, 'Hey, which of you snake charmers is going to fix my computer?'" –Conan O'Brien
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