"Well, according to the Pentagon, Al Qaeda is in financial ruin. You know why they're broke? Health insurance premiums." –Jay Leno
"Well, the big news is Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens is retiring. I mean, this won't affect as many Americans as when Paula left 'American Idol,' but it's still a big deal." –Jay Leno
"Tiger Woods said he would try to keep his emotions under control, but after a bad swing, he used the F-word. Who does he think he is — vice president of the United States?" –Jay Leno
"In a speech, the chairman of the Republican National Committee, Michael Steele, said 'I am the first here to admit I've made mistakes.' Then the stripper giving him a lap-dance said it will still be 20 bucks." –Jay LenoFollow On Twitter
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