"Over the weekend, of course, down there in Washington, D.C., they had the big White House Correspondents' Dinner. Do you know who was really funny? President Obama. So funny, in fact, he has already been promised 'The Tonight Show' in five years." –David Letterman
"Did you see Conan O'Brien on 60 Minutes? The guy told the 60 minutes team that NBC had broken his heart. And I thought, 'Welcome to the club, Coco. Welcome to the club." –David Letterman
"But Conan declined to say anything or criticize Jay Leno. And here's how I look at this. I always say, 'If you can't say anything nice about Jay, well, let's hear it!'" –David Letterman
"Anybody from the Gulf of Mexico area? It's going to be the biggest ecological disaster on the history of the planet. And today, a tourist thought they saw a blowfish in the Gulf of Mexico. Turned out to be a flounder holding its breath." –David Letterman
"British Petroleum says that they have a plan now to clean up the vast oil spill. You know what it is? Hot tub time machine." –David Letterman
"Something very suspicious happened over the weekend. A car parked at, like, 45th and Broadway, very suspicious. And I'll tell you the most suspicious thing about the whole episode was that the guy found a parking place." –David Letterman
"Thank God the car bombing was thwarted by an alert carjacker." –David Letterman
"The Iranian dictator, Ahmadinejad, is in town. So for one day, Mayor Bloomberg is not the shortest dictator in New York." –David Letterman
"Ahmadinejad has got a busy schedule. Today it is the U.N. And then tomorrow, he's going to be on 'The Rachael Ray Show,' filleting a camel." –David Letterman
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