"Iranian President Mahmoud 'I'm-a-nutjob' is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square." –Jay Leno
"Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he'd been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger." –Jay Leno
"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno
"And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'" –Jay Leno
"Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher." –Jay Leno
"And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested." –Jay Leno
"As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's." –Jay Leno
"The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card." –Jay Leno
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