"Everybody has a different solution for the Gulf oil spill. Why don't they just try jiggling the handle? I went to lunch and had crab cakes. The waiter came over and asked if I wanted leaded or unleaded. The tartar sauce was 80 percent tar." –David Letterman
"Down there at the White House, they had a state dinner for Mexican President Felipe Calderón. Every door at the White House was guarded by a New York City T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman
"You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? Well, he appeared in court yesterday. Here's what he is charged with — domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway." –David Letterman
"You know, he bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans." –David LettermanFollow On Twitter
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