Late Night BP Oil Spill Jokes

"A congressman actually apologized to BP's CEO for the way the company has been treated. How stupid are you when the CEO of BP is in the room and people think you're the moron?" –Jay Leno

"Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked." —Jimmy Fallon

"Now, I know Obama was trying to take the long view, but talking about solar energy in the middle of the oil spill is like watching your house engulfed in flames and saying, 'We really should change the curtains.'" —Craig Ferguson

"The president met with BP CEO Tony Hayward, and Obama was demanding that BP clean up the Gulf. And I'm thinking, good luck. They can't even clean up their gas station restrooms." —David Letterman

"How about that oil slick in the Gulf of Mexico. And you know, the oil slick is going everywhere. So the next time somebody lands on the Hudson, it won't be that big a deal." —David Letterman

"BP CEO Tony Hayward said recently, 'No one wants this thing over more than I do. I'd like my life back.' Tony, I'm so sorry you had your summer disrupted. I'd buy you a drink, but you'd probably spill that too ... and make me clean it up." —Craig Ferguson

"Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks." —Jimmy Fallon

"This Tony Haywire guy, whatever his name is, he told the BBC on Sunday that he believes the new oil cap that they've installed will eventually capture the vast majority of oil spewing from the well. You know, if they could capture half the BS spewing from Tony Hayward, people would be thrilled." —Jay Leno

"BP CEO Tony Hayward said he would just like to get his life back. He wants to get his life back. You know, I say give him life plus 20." —Jay Leno

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David Letterman Political Jokes BP Oil Spill

"You starting to get sick about the economy again? I was talking to my broker today. And he said: 'Don't worry. Everything's going to be fine.' Then the prison guards took him away." –David Letterman

"This is the end of the big TV viewing season. For example, 'Lost,' that's gone. 'Law & Order,' wrapping it up. Also say goodbye to the Gulf of Mexico." –David Letterman

"British Petroleum is now saying the oil spill was caused by a bad underwater cement job. You don't have that problem with the mob." –David Letterman

"John McCain is angry with British Petroleum. But in all fairness, he's had a grudge against the British since the Revolutionary War." –David Letterman
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Jay Leno Political Jokes Oil Spill

"The Gulf oil spill, now officially the worst in U.S. history. In fact, they're calling this the biggest environmental disaster since the State of New Jersey." –Jay Leno

"As you know, we're right in the middle of a process called 'top kill.' Doesn't it sound like some bad Steven Seagal movie from the '80s?" –Jay Leno

"BP says if 'top kill' fails, they'll try something called the 'junk shot.' Hey, worked last night for the Lakers." –Jay Leno

"Well, there's a big new scandal going on. Have you heard about this? Republicans are now saying that President Obama had Bill Clinton offer a job to Pennsylvania's Joe Sestak in exchange for dropping out of the Pennsylvania Senate race against Arlen Specter. It's kind of complicated. But if it's true, it's an impeachable offense. That's what they're saying. They're comparing it to the Clinton impeachment. Close, but no cigar." –Jay Leno

"It's been a rough day in the stock market. It's so bad, today, President Obama had to lay off two teleprompters." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, Joe Biden had to cash in his swear jar." –Jay Leno

"The economy is so bad, I saw the governor of Arizona eating at Taco Bell." –Jay LenoFollow On Twitter

Political Jokes By David Letterman-Oil Spill, Obama and Times Square bomber

"Everybody has a different solution for the Gulf oil spill. Why don't they just try jiggling the handle? I went to lunch and had crab cakes. The waiter came over and asked if I wanted leaded or unleaded. The tartar sauce was 80 percent tar." –David Letterman

"Down there at the White House, they had a state dinner for Mexican President Felipe Calderón. Every door at the White House was guarded by a New York City T-shirt vendor." –David Letterman

"You know that Faisal Shahzad, the Times Square bomber? Well, he appeared in court yesterday. Here's what he is charged with — domestic terrorism and illegal parking on Broadway." –David Letterman

"You know, he bungled the gig. So the Taliban got wind of this and they said, 'That's it.' So they downgraded the guy. And he doesn't get 72 virgins. Here's what he gets: 72 vegans." –David LettermanFollow On Twitter

Jay Leno Political Jokes, Oil Spill, Supreme Court

"Hey, here's some good news. The price of oil has dropped by $12 a barrel. I mean, why buy it when you can just scoop it out of the water, huh?" –Jay Leno

"Oh, speaking of that. If anybody needs a 100-ton concrete containment dome, there's one on eBay for 75 bucks." –Jay Leno

"Actually, you know, that stupid idea about using a giant concrete dome and putting it over the leak, well, that didn't work. In fact, experts are calling this the worst use of a concrete dome since they built that stadium for the Detroit Lions." –Jay Leno

"Now they're talking about trying to clog the leak up with garbage, like tires and golf balls. You know, where are the OxiClean people? Why don't we bring them down? Why not use the miracle cleaning power of oranges? Where are those people? Let's get the experts in here." –Jay Leno

"The three companies involved in the oil spill are Transocean, BP and Halliburton. They're all blaming the other guy. I was stunned. Oil company executives passing the buck. It was just shocking." –Jay Leno

"Congress told BP they can't label this catastrophic failure as an unpredictable and unforeseeable occurrence. See, Congress used that excuse for not catching the financial meltdown, so now they have to come up with their own excuse." –Jay Leno

"Greece has a huge economic crisis. Tourism's down there. Government spending is up. And Greece hasn't done anything in 2,000 years, really. I mean, other than that little to-go coffee cup in New York, there's not a lot they've made." –Jay Leno

"Greece is a relatively small country. It would be like a state over here. But it overspends, it over borrows, it promises expensive pension plans, it over-taxes, it over-regulates business. So, the state it would be here would be California." –Jay Leno

"Not looking good around the world, folks. A top investment analyst says China's economy will slow down and crash within the year. You know, they already have signs of trouble over there, too. Do you know the unemployment rate is a staggering 12 percent among 3-year-olds in China?" –Jay Leno

"Well, in announcing this Elena Kagan as his nominee for the Supreme Court, President Barack Obama characterized Kagan as a 'trailblazing leader.' The other Democrats said she was a wise choice because she had no paper trail." –Jay Leno

"Well, in Colorado one of the gubernatorial candidates has taken out a Craigslist ad to find a running mate. Is that a good idea? Hey, it didn't work when John McCain tried it." –Jay Leno

"And our transportation secretary, a man named Ray LaHood, announced that we are going to reopen the U.S. border to Mexican trucks. Apparently they couldn't squeeze enough people into vans anymore, so they're going to trucks now." –Jay LenoFollow On Twitter

David Letterman Funny Political Jokes

"The Arizona government is very defensive about its new immigration law. They are being accused of just looking for Mexicans. The Arizona government says, 'No, earlier today we were rounding up Germans.'" –David Letterman

"This oil spill in the Gulf is affecting everybody. In fact, when I went to lunch this weekend and ordered the sea bass, they asked if I wanted it regular or unleaded." –David Letterman

"This is going to be the biggest environmental disaster ever. You know what that means? More bonuses." .–David Letterman
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Jay Leno Jokes on Gulf of Mexico Oil Spill,Goldman Sachs

"Iranian President Mahmoud 'I'm-a-nutjob' is in New York City. He spoke at the U.N. today. He arrived in New York on Saturday night; he rented an SUV and parked it in Times Square." –Jay Leno

"Well, as you know — this is pretty serious — somebody tried to detonate an SUV rigged with explosives in Times Square. SUV turned out to be a Nissan Pathfinder. Probably, the bombing suspect realized if he'd been driving a Toyota, he would have been putting his own life in danger." –Jay Leno

"Experts say if this SUV bomb had gone off, it could have caused almost as much damage to New York City as Goldman Sachs." –Jay Leno

"And the oil from that oil rig that exploded in the Gulf of Mexico spewing five times as much oil as first was estimated. When former President George W. Bush heard about this, he said: 'Wait a minute. You mean we have oil here?'" –Jay Leno

"Today, British Petroleum said they're doing everything they can to control this leak. Really? Two hundred thousand gallons? That's a leak? The pipe under my bathroom. That's a leak, O.K.? This is a gusher." –Jay Leno

"And the environmental impact from this is unbelievable. They say a lot of birds are trying to leave the area. And, today, Arizona issued a warning — any birds flying in from out of state will be stopped and arrested." –Jay Leno

"As you know, Arizona has passed the strictest immigration law in the country. It's scaring everybody. In fact, today, Taco Bell changed their name to Skippy's." –Jay Leno

"The governor of Florida, Charlie Crist, announced he is quitting the Republican Party to run for the Senate as an independent. And today, it became official — the Republicans took away his lesbian strip club VIP card." –Jay Leno
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David Letterman's Top Ten-Gulf Of Mexico Oil Spill

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'Follow On Twitter