"You people are so lucky you live in California. This heat wave back east is just unbelievable. … It was so hot in Washington, Nancy Pelosi skipped the Botox, had her face injected with frozen yogurt." –Jay Leno
"Vice President Joe Biden made a surprise visit to Iraq on July 4. It was a surprise because Biden thought he was going to Des Moines for a fund-raiser." –Jay Leno
"While Vice President Biden was away, Republican Chairman Michael Steele was forced to take over the job of saying embarrassing things you have to apologize for later." –Jay Leno
"You hear about this? Michael Steele said that — well, he's in trouble, actually — for saying the war in Afghanistan was Obama's war, and it was unwinnable. In fact, Steele felt so sorry for it, he said today he went to his favorite bondage nightclub, demanded to be spanked." –Jay Leno
"Well, there was talk the Democrats are going to try and pass an immigration bill this year, but it looks like that's not going to happen. It's kind of ironic. The only place that has an immigration plan is Mexico, and their plan is to immigrate here." –Jay Leno
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