"President Obama was in Hollywood for a star-studded fundraiser. They raised a million dollars and converted him to Scientology." –Jimmy Kimmel
"The president's security left traffic in Los Angeles paralyzed. It took some people two hours to get home from work, when it usually only takes 96 minutes." –Jimmy Kimmel
"I don't understand why the president has to drive. He could just flap his ears and fly anywhere." –Jimmy Kimmel
"After three weeks of jury deliberations, Rod Blagojevich was convicted yesterday on only one of the 24 counts against him. The one count he was convicted for? Transporting illegally silky hair across state lines." –Jimmy Kimmel
"He could get up to five years, though that's very unlikely. He'll probably do somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and Lil Wayne." –Jimmy Kimmel
"Can you imagine Rod Blagojevich in a prison jumpsuit? He'd look like a traffic cone with a Koosh ball on top." –Jimmy Kimmel
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