"You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn't think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here's who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro." --David Letterman
"But the secret assassination squad, tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney." --David Letterman
"Now here is the thing. Here are the two sides of this. The ying and the yang. Idea was we'd kill off al Qaeda leaders. That's the ying, I guess. The yang is completely illegal. But, listen to this. Before you make your judgment, before you decide, if it weren't for Dick Cheney and his secret assassination squad, Osama bin Laden would be alive today." --David Letterman
"Now, you know, there's a brand new audio tape from Osama bin Laden. You know what the guy does, like, every couple of months, he'll shoot out a new audio tape. It's just to irritate people and get them all worked up and stuff. Should really be stopped. But in the new tape, they know it's current because he talks about his ex-wife's new book that she's written about him. In the new tape, he says, 'Yeah, well, let me tell you something. If you'd be married to her, you'd be drunk all the time, too. You try living in a cave with that woman!'" --David Letterman
"Are you watching the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court? Are you watching those? Day two. Fascinating stuff. And, man, did you see it this morning? Had the place going crazy. She shows up and right off the bat, she opens up with 'I Dreamed a Dream'. Wow!" --David Letterman
"Then this was odd. Kind of awkward. When everybody calmed down, Clarence Thomas sent over a mojito." --David Letterman
"This happened yesterday at the White House. President Obama was talking to a bunch of people and he's using a teleprompter, tells him exactly what to say, they got the teleprompter, the things rolling by like that. All of a sudden, it overheats and explodes and crashes to the ground. The teleprompter. I read that, I said, 'Boy, I'm disappointed in this guy. What kind of a guy can't think and speak on his -- flip the card for me -- on his feet.'" --David Letterman
"I mean, you probably know what a teleprompter is, the machine that tells you what to say. In Bush's case, it was Cheney." --David Letterman
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