David Letterman Jokes about Dick Cheney and President Hu Jintao from China

"Doctors say Dick Cheney may need a heart transplant, but Cheney isn’t worried. He’s already picked out a hunting buddy." –David Letterman

"Dick Cheney predicts that President Obama will only last one term. This is coming from the same guy that predicted weapons of mass destruction in Iraq." –David Letterman

"President Hu Jintao from China is visiting the United States. Ahead of the big state dinner, President Obama went to Hu's hotel and slipped a menu under the door." –David Letterman

Dick Cheney: "I Am Not A Fan Of President Obama"

From FOX: Dick "Darth" Cheney: "I Am Not A Fan Of President Obama" - 08/30/09

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Jimmy Fallon Political Roast of Palin,Sonia Sotomayor and Dick Cheney

"I guess everyone is following Sonia Sotomayor's Supreme Court confirmation hearing. Did you hear what happened yesterday? Her twin nephews fell asleep during the hearings. But in their defense, they were watching a Supreme Court confirmation hearing. What are you supposed to do? Root for it? Start the wave?" --Jimmy Fallon

"Sarah Palin's friends say they are worried about her because she looks frail and her hair is thinning. It's all part of her plan to run for president in 2012 as John McCain." --Jimmy Fallon

"Democrats want an investigation into a secret CIA program that was concealed from Congress by Dick Cheney. The program is so secret, Cheney could tell you about it, but then he'd have to take you hunting." --Jimmy Fallon

"President Obama's teleprompter fell to the ground and shattered yesterday during a speech on the economy. Wow, even speeches about the economy are crashing. That's bad. That's not good." --Jimmy Fallon

"Lauren Conrad -- star of 'The Hills' -- she topped the children's New York Times bestseller list with her book 'L.A. Candy.' As a result, the Department of Education has launched a new program telling kids not to read." --Jimmy Fallon

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David Letterman Funny Political Jokes about Dick Cheney,al Qaeda,Sonia Sotomayor

"You remember Dick Cheney, who was the Vice President for eight years with George W. Bush? And we didn't think much about Dick Cheney and then one day he goes hunting, boy, that changed everything. Well now it turns out that for eight years, Dick Cheney had a secret hit squad to assassinate al Qaeda leaders. And the team was unbelievable. Here's who was on the team: Lee Marvin; Jim Brown; John Cassavetes; Telly Savales; and Trini Lopez as Pedro." --David Letterman

"But the secret assassination squad, tough group of guys. To make the team, you had to survive a hunting trip with Cheney." --David Letterman

"Now here is the thing. Here are the two sides of this. The ying and the yang. Idea was we'd kill off al Qaeda leaders. That's the ying, I guess. The yang is completely illegal. But, listen to this. Before you make your judgment, before you decide, if it weren't for Dick Cheney and his secret assassination squad, Osama bin Laden would be alive today." --David Letterman

"Now, you know, there's a brand new audio tape from Osama bin Laden. You know what the guy does, like, every couple of months, he'll shoot out a new audio tape. It's just to irritate people and get them all worked up and stuff. Should really be stopped. But in the new tape, they know it's current because he talks about his ex-wife's new book that she's written about him. In the new tape, he says, 'Yeah, well, let me tell you something. If you'd be married to her, you'd be drunk all the time, too. You try living in a cave with that woman!'" --David Letterman

"Are you watching the Sonia Sotomayor confirmation hearings for the Supreme Court? Are you watching those? Day two. Fascinating stuff. And, man, did you see it this morning? Had the place going crazy. She shows up and right off the bat, she opens up with 'I Dreamed a Dream'. Wow!" --David Letterman

"Then this was odd. Kind of awkward. When everybody calmed down, Clarence Thomas sent over a mojito." --David Letterman

"This happened yesterday at the White House. President Obama was talking to a bunch of people and he's using a teleprompter, tells him exactly what to say, they got the teleprompter, the things rolling by like that. All of a sudden, it overheats and explodes and crashes to the ground. The teleprompter. I read that, I said, 'Boy, I'm disappointed in this guy. What kind of a guy can't think and speak on his -- flip the card for me -- on his feet.'" --David Letterman

"I mean, you probably know what a teleprompter is, the machine that tells you what to say. In Bush's case, it was Cheney." --David Letterman
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Dick Cheney Strangles Obama Girl!
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Political Roast-V.P. Dick Cheney Indicted In Texas Prison:organized criminal activity

Now this is a Political Roast-Cheney, Gonzales indicted in South Texas county

By CHRISTOPHER SHERMAN

McALLEN, Texas (AP) — Vice President Dick Cheney and former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales have been indicted on state charges involving federal prisons in a South Texas county that has been a source of bizarre legal and political battles under the outgoing prosecutor.

The indictment returned Monday has not yet been signed by the presiding judge, and no action can be taken until that happens.

The seven indictments made public in Willacy County on Tuesday included one naming state Sen. Eddie Lucio Jr. and some targeting public officials connected to District Attorney Juan Angel Guerra's own legal battles.

Regarding the indictments targeting the public officials, Guerra said, "the grand jury is the one that made those decisions, not me."

Guerra himself was under indictment for more than a year and half until a judge dismissed the indictments last month. Guerra's tenure ends this year after nearly two decades in office. He lost convincingly in a Democratic primary in March.



Guerra said the prison-related charges against Cheney and Gonzales are a national issue and experts from across the country testified to the grand jury.

Cheney is charged with engaging in an organized criminal activity related to the vice president's investment in the Vanguard Group, which holds financial interests in the private prison companies running the federal detention centers. It accuses Cheney of a conflict of interest and "at least misdemeanor assaults" on detainees because of his link to the prison companies.

Megan Mitchell, a spokeswoman for Cheney, declined to comment on Tuesday, saying that the vice president had not yet received a copy of the indictment.

The indictment accuses Gonzales of using his position while in office to stop an investigation in 2006 into abuses at one of the privately-run prisons.

Gonzales' attorney, George Terwilliger III, said in a written statement, "This is obviously a bogus charge on its face, as any good prosecutor can recognize." He said he hoped Texas authorities would take steps to stop "this abuse of the criminal justice system."

Another indictment released Tuesday accuses Lucio of profiting from his public office by accepting honoraria from prison management companies. Guerra announced his intention to investigate Lucio's prison consulting early last year.

Lucio's attorney, Michael Cowen, released a scathing statement accusing Guerra of settling political scores in his final weeks in office.

"Senator Lucio is completely innocent and has done nothing wrong," Cowen said, adding that he would file a motion to quash the indictment this week.

Willacy County has become a prison hub with county, state and federal lockups. Guerra has gone after the prison-politician nexus before, extracting guilty pleas from three former Willacy and Webb county commissioners after investigating bribery related to federal prison contacts.

Last month, a Willacy County grand jury indicted The GEO Group, a Florida private prison company, on a murder charge in the death of a prisoner days before his release. The three-count indictment alleged The GEO Group allowed other inmates to beat Gregorio de la Rosa Jr. to death with padlocks stuffed into socks. The death happened in 2001 at the Raymondville facility.

In 2006, a jury ordered the company to pay de la Rosa's family $47.5 million in a civil judgment. The Cheney-Gonzales indictment makes reference to the de la Rosa case.

None of the indictments released Tuesday had been signed by Presiding Judge Manuel Banales of the Fifth Administrative Judicial Region.

Last month, Banales dismissed indictments that charged Guerra with extorting money from a bail bond company and using his office for personal business. An appeals court had earlier ruled that a special prosecutor was improperly appointed to investigate Guerra.

After Guerra's office was raided as part of the investigation early last year, he camped outside the courthouse in a borrowed camper with a horse, three goats and a rooster. He threatened to dismiss hundreds of cases because he believed local law enforcement had aided the investigation against him.

The indictments were first reported by KRGV-TV.

Associated Press writer Deb Riechmann in Washington contributed to this report.

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