"Today's the first day of autumn, although Sarah Palin said today the dying leaves are because of Obama's health-care plan." --Jay Leno
"Actually, I'm getting kind of worried about President Obama. He hasn't been on a TV show for almost 11 hours. Is everything all right? Is he O.K.?" --Jay Leno
"Actually, you might have noticed, the fall season, begun a little different this year. Even squirrels are kind of distancing themselves from Acorn. Have you noticed that?" --Jay Leno
"Well, you know what's interesting? Because of all these scandals, the executive director of Acorn, a woman named Bertha Lewis, said Acorn will fire any employees 'too stupid to understand they are not reaching professional standards.' Why can't we get this rule for Congress?" --Jay Leno
"You probably heard this on the news today. There are new security alerts issued to law enforcement agencies all across the country, because Al Qaeda is planning to attack vital economic centers. Well, good luck trying to find one of those. Luckily, Wall Street took care of them about a year ago, so we are safe." --Jay Leno
"President Obama has angered Eastern Europe after dropping the U.S. missile defense system in the area over there; although President Obama says he hasn't abandoned them. He says in the event they do get hit by nuclear attack, they will be covered by his health-care plan. So, that is nice." --Jay Leno
"Actually, did you see Obama the last couple of days - he was on six different TV shows pitching his health-care plan. You know the difference between Obama and the ShamWow guy? You can see the ShamWow guy on Fox." --Jay Leno
"Hey, more problems for Democratic sleazeball, John Edwards. The campaign official who claims he fathered the child of Edwards' mistress is writing a book where he says Edwards is the real father. So, looks like USC wasn't the only one playing with bad Trojans." --Jay Leno
"No, according to The New York Times, a man named Andrew Young, who is a friend of Edwards, has submitted this book proposal where he reveals John Edwards is the father of the child he had with his mistress, Rielle Hunter. We have a copy of the book right here. It's called, 'Duh.'" --Jay Leno
"And how awful is this? This book claims that John Edwards tried to calm his mistress down by promising to marry her, after his wife died, in a rooftop wedding ceremony in New York with the Dave Matthews Band as their wedding band. Really, Dave Matthews at the wedding for these two? Wouldn't Cheap Trick be more appropriate?" --Jay Leno
"Well, according to the Los Angeles Times, the immigrant population in California actually declined last year. When asked if they had noticed, 80 percent of the people in California said, 'Si.'" --Jay Leno
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