"As you know, the whole balloon boy thing turned out to be a big hoax. Usually when there's a hoax involving a balloon, it's some kind of Countrywide Mortgage scam." --Jay Leno
"It was smart for them to try this balloon stunt while President Obama's in office. That wouldn't have worked with Bush Administration. Cheney would have shot that balloon down." --Jay Leno
"I don't know if you saw it Friday. That whole -- people thought the 6-year-old kid was in the balloon. I mean, it was so tense, Maria Shriver put down her cell phone while driving, picked up her Sony TV Watchman to watch." --Jay Leno
"According to USA Today, car theft is at a 20-year low. Well, that shows you how bad the auto business is. People don't even want to steal them now." --Jay Leno
"President Obama announced he wants to give every senior citizen $250 next year. This is part of his 'Cash for Geezers' program." --Jay Leno
"Actually, if you're a senior citizen working on Wall Street, then you get $250 million." --Jay Leno
"This is kind of interesting. Osama bin Laden's first wife -- it's always the first wife -- is coming out with a book that gives a rare glimpse into the personal life of the infamous al Qaeda leader. She says Osama bin Laden was very tough on their children and was a strict disciplinarian. Well there's a shock." --Jay Leno
"And prosecutors in New York City have filed charges against a man they claim scammed dozens of illegal immigrants by posing as an immigration lawyer. They say this guy lied to his clients, he gave them bad advice and stole their money. I don't know, sounds like a real lawyer to me." --Jay Leno
"And the Post Office may cancel Saturday delivery of the mail. Do you know about this? See, for young people before texting and twittering, you used to send pieces of paper to each other." --Jay Leno
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