"You know what the scary part is? Not that the government will cease to function, that they think this is actually the government functioning. They think it is working well." –Jay Leno"The government is warning that terrorists may try to blow up airplanes by implanting bombs under their skin. The airlines responded by saying they'll charge any terrorists that do this a $50 carry-on fee." –Jay Leno
"Lady Gaga complained that the U.S. is allowing Iran and North Korea to get nukes and we have to stop them. Before the White House makes any decision, they’re waiting to hear from Britney Spears." –Jay Leno
"According to the New York Times, a cell phone found in Osama bin Laden's compound had phone numbers belonging to Pakistan's intelligence agencies. But authorities say it’s unlikely they ever spoke because apparently bin laden had AT&T." –Jay Leno
"A new study shows that home births are up 20% in the united states. More and more moms are giving birth at home. Or as in Arnold Schwarzenegger's case, giving birth in the home they're cleaning." –Jay Leno
"Vice President Joe Biden has a new Twitter account. He said he will not rest until he can embarrass the president on every media platform ever invented." –Jay Leno
"Sarah Palin spoke out about Independence Day, saying that if the British had won the war, we'd all be speaking English today." –Jay Leno
"You know Casey Anthony is not the only one that is going to go free. Lawyers for Dominique Strauss Kah now say that the maid in the ritzy hotel also worked as a hooker. So he could walk too. A maid who is also a hooker. That’s like Arnold Schwarzenegger’s dream date." –Jay Leno
"It was so hot in California today that Arnold Schwarzenegger's clothes were out on the lawn setting themselves on fire." –Jay Leno
"Casey Anthony was found not guilty. This means that President Obama's economic team is only the second-most clueless group in America." –Jay Leno
"I think the jury from the O.J. Simpson trial retired and moved to Florida." –Jay Leno
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