David Letterman's Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs The Rick Perry Campaign Is In Trouble

10. Lost support from both whack jobs and nut jobs
9. At debates, he mostly goes with, 'That's what she said'
8. Downgraded from campaign bus to cheaper campaign Vespa scooter
7. He's too mitty for Newt supporters, too newty for Mitt supporters
6. His new slogan: 'C'mon!'
5. Advisers are thinking of replacing him with Luke Perry
4. Just went hiking on the border of Iraq and Iran
3. Even his wife is wearing a 'Herman Cain' button
2. Instead of 'Freedom' and 'Liberty,' his cowboy boots read 'It's' and 'Over'
1. Even Michele O'Bachmann thinks he's nuts

Top Ten Reasons I, Dave Letterman, Am Proud To Be An American

Top Ten Reasons I, Dave Letterman, Am Proud To Be An American"

10. The complimentary TSA groping
9. Other countries don't have one Dakota — we have two
8. Land of the free, home of the brave, and the fattest people on Earth
7. Our wise and learned Founding Fathers, such as Thomas Jefferson and John Quincy Gotti (joke provided by Michele O'Bachmann)
6. All our presidents were born in America . . . or possibly Kenya
5. The United States has the best extreme couponers in the world
4. We live in a country where our politicians text photos of their junk
3. Forget all this, have you seen the news story about Florence Henderson?
2. Kim Kardashian X-rayed her butt
1. What other country would let me get away with doing this crap?

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in the Osama bin Laden Diary"

10. Always dotted the 'I' in 'Jihad' with a smiley face
9. Expressed anger at not being invited to the royal wedding
8. Disguised himself by wearing a fake beard over his real beard
7. Was the first one to suggest Hugh Grant as a possible replacement for Charlie Sheen
6. Admitted in college he experimented with a member of the opposite sect
5. Preferred exploding boxers to exploding briefs
4. As much as he hated the United States, he loved Red Lobster's coconut shrimp bites
3. The guy just wouldn't shut up about the new Beastie Boys album
2. Would occasionally fax jokes to Leno
1. Turns out he was kind of a coward

avid Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in Moammar Gadhafi's First United States Interview"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Surprises in Moammar Gadhafi's First United States Interview"

10. Neither he nor Christiane Amanpour could pronounce each other's names
9. Asked for Lady Gaga's cell number
8. Condemned the Academy for not giving Best Actor Oscar to Jesse Eisenberg
7. Wanted to plug his latest project: 'Big Moammar's House'
6. Left early to attend Justin Bieber's 17th birthday party
5. Kept stopping to phone Mike Fancesca at WFAN
4. Explained how to do a hassle-free home perm
3. The freestyle rapping
2. Livid he wasn't chosen for next season of 'Dancing With the Stars'
1. Claimed to be a 'rock star from Mars riding a Mercury surfboard'

David Letterman's "Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents

David Letterman's "Top Ten Little-Known Facts About United States Presidents

10. William Howard Taft was so fat, he's considered our 27th and 28th presidents
9. Teddy Roosevelt answered the phone, 'Hellosevelt?'
8. The K in James K. Polk stood for Kanye
7. Like the cartoon cat, James A. Garfield loved lasagna and hated Mondays
6. To conserve energy when possible, Jimmy Carter would travel via pogo stick
5. During one of his fireside chats, FDR accidentally burned down the map room
4. John Tyler was the only president to work his way up from the mailroom
3. Zachary Taylor's vice president was a cocker spaniel named Angus
2. Our only unmarried president, James Buchanan was fond of posing as his own first lady
1. George W. Bush was not born in the United States

David Letterman's "Top Ten President Obama Celebrated Anniversary

David Letterman's "Top Ten Ways President Obama Celebrated His Two-Year Anniversary In Office"

10. Spelled 'Two Years' on the south lawn of the White House with cigarette butts
9. Romantic dinner with his favorite teleprompter
8. Loaded staffers on a party bus and drove to Pittsburgh
7. Surprised Joe Biden with an open heart necklace from Kay Jewelers
6. Watched Miss Arkansas and her dummies on Dave
5. Went on one of those staged 'I'm a regular guy' burger runs
4. Climbed into a hot bubble bath and read Snooki's book
3. Pardoned Brett Favre
2. Same way President Bush celebrated two years in office: invaded Iraq
1. Began his campaign to replace Regis

David Letterman Jokes about John Boehner, Dick Cheny and Top Ten

"Thousands of birds fell dead in Arkansas. It's either al-Qaida, or Dick Cheney is hunting again." —David Letterman

"Now that the Republicans have taken over the House, they're going to undo everything President Obama has done. John Boehner even told the Obama kids that the dog has to go back." —David Letterman


David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard During The Republicans' First Day In Charge Of The House"

10. "Mr. Boehner, please stop crying"
9. "How do we blame this dead bird thing on Obama?"
8. "I think he was just sworn in on a copy of Snooki's new book"
7. "Beer me!"
6. "Alright, you've had six hours, is the economy fixed?"
5. "Speaker Boehner, please stop blowing your nose"
4. "When is vacation?"
3. "No, Sen. McCain, Woodrow Wilson doesn't work here anymore"
2. "When do we get to sleep with the pages?"
1. "How soon can we go back to invading countries for oil?"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Signs Your Neighbor Is The WikiLeaks Guy"

10. Name on mailbox reads 'WikiLeaks Guy'
9. Spends most of his free time burying stuff in the yard
8. He insists you speak directly into his necktie
7. More than once, you've caught him crawling in your ventilation ducts
6. He told you about Jeter's new contract at Thanksgiving
5. He insists you speak directly into his necktie — that joke was already in the Top Ten. We really need someone checking these things
4. On recycling day, he puts out cans, bottles, and classified documents
3. His idea of small talk is 'Good morning' and 'Want the coordinates of our secret military base in the Strait of Hormuz?'
2. Any time you talk to him, all he says is, 'I know. I know. I know . . . '
1. Gets drunk and takes a 'WikiLeak' on your porch — Hayo!

David Letterman's Top Ten Highlights of the George W. Bush Library

David Letterman's "Top Ten Highlights of the George W. Bush Library Groundbreaking"

10. While digging, they found Obama's birth certificate
9. Read warm congratulatory note from Osama and Julie bin Laden
8. Displayed thousands of books Bush pretends to read
7. George arrived wearing a flight suit and piloting the Conan blimp
6. Dubya only had three shoes thrown at him
5. Dug up thousands of Gore ballots from 2000
4. Bush gave Halliburton $300 million check just for the hell of it
3. George correctly pronounced the word "nuclear" (it doesn't get any more groundbreaking than that)
2. After a few seconds of digging, Bush raised "Mission Accomplished" banner
1. Bush and Cheney celebrated the day with a long, passionate, open-mouth kiss
Follow On Twitter

David Letterman's "Top Ten Rick Sanchez Excuses"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Rick Sanchez Excuses"

10. "It's the damn bedbugs"
9. "Didn't think it was possible to get fired from a network no one watches"
8. "Just trying to get some publicity for my Twitter"
7. "Excuses for what?"
6. "Always wanted to go back to doing weather in Zanesville, Ohio"
5. "How come when Jackie Mason says the same thing, it's hilarious?"
4. "Trying to impress Mel Gibson"
3. "Wanted time off to watch Bruce Willis on Letterman"
2. "Accidentally took a handful of Larry King's heart pills"
1. "Hate-filled rant was an audition for Fox News"

Follow On Twitter

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

David Letterman's "Top Ten Reasons Jeb Bush Isn’t Running for President"

10. Worried he can’t live up to the expectations
9. Doesn’t want to live in a house previously occupied by a smoker
8. Too busy with his daily routine: gym, tan, laundry
7. Huckabee has a lock on the 'pasty fat guy' vote
6. Leaves voicemail messages that make Mel Gibson sound like a choir boy
5. Scared of Lincoln’s ghost
4. Wants to be an 'American Idol' judge
3. Wasn’t blessed with the Bush family stammer
2. For some reason, he’d rather not inherit two wars, massive debt, and an ocean full of oil
1. No governor siblings to help him rig the election

Follow On Twitter

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard on President Obama's Vacation

David Letterman's Top Ten Things Overheard on President Obama's Vacation

10. "Please, Mr. President, don't throw your butts in the pool"
9. "Sorry, sir, your iPhone has no reception"
8. "Crap, is that an oil slick?"
7. "Nothing boosts a sagging approval rating like a vacation!"
6. "Ew, it's Sen. Scott Brown"
5. "Any interest in pardoning Lindsay Lohan?"
4. "Sure is nice to get a break from all that golfing"
3. "There's nothing like a romantic stroll on the beach with your wife and 30-man Secret Service detail"
2. "Do I have to go back?"
1. "A 48-hour vacation? Bush took naps longer than that"

Follow On Twitter

David Letterman's Top Ten-Gulf Of Mexico Oil Spill

David Letterman's "Top Ten Things Overheard At BP Headquarters"

10. 'Huh?'
9. 'Happy Cinco de Mayo. 'Nother margarita?'
8. 'We got a nice thank you note from the Toyota people'
7. 'Any way we can pin this on the Times Square bomber?'
6. 'We just got a nice thank you note from the Goldman Sachs people.'
5. 'I hope they get Robert Wagner to play me in the TV movie.'
4. 'One day, 10,000 years from now, we'll be able to look back on this and laugh.'
3. 'Let me tell you something, you can't buy this kind of publicity.'
2. 'Tell everybody it's our free oil giveaway bonanza.'
1. 'Everyone gets a bonus.'Follow On Twitter

Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

David Letterman's Top Ten Signs the Nobel Prize Has Gone to President Obama's Head

10. Ends every argument with, "Yeah, and how many Nobel Prizes have you won?"
9. Announced plans to send 30,000 troops to Target to do his Christmas shopping.
8. Thinks he also has a good shot at winning the Heisman Trophy.
7. Gave himself a ten billion dollar bailout.
6. Last night he crashed a party thrown by the Salahis.
5. Spending fewer hours at work than Bush.
4. Hired scientists to make his Nobel Prize capable of holding 10,000 songs.
3. Now refers to his abs as "The Situation."
2. Sits around all day massaging his cat.
1. Claims he can bring peace to Tiger Woods' house
Follow On Twitter----Odd Daily News

David Letterman's Top Ten-Dinner With Sarah Palin

David Letterman's Top Ten Questions To Ask Yourself Before Spending $63,500 On Dinner With Sarah Palin

10."Is the tip included?"
9."Do my kids really need to go to college?"
8."Is it 'All the Moose You Can Eat'?"
7."Should I prepare by reading every magazine and newspaper?"
6."Does it have to be at the Denny's where Todd works?"
5."Should we have dinner in Alaska or Russia?"
4."Will she hunt and shoot the main course?"
3."63 grand? That's nearly half of her weekly wardrobe budget!" Remember that reference?
2."Is there valet parking for my snowmobile?"
1."Will I be done in time to get to the 'Fire Dave' rally?"

Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

David Letterman Top Ten- Joe Wilson's Excuses

Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

David Letterman's Top Ten Surprises In Obama's Speech to School Kids.

Top Ten Surprises In President Barack Obama's Message to Students." Very funny David!

Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

David Letterman's Top Ten Dumb Guys Tips to Combat the Swine Flu

10. Give your pigs and hogs Advil, vitamin C and plenty of liquids.
9. Let President Nixon figure it out.
8. Be extra vigilant when shopping at Piggly Wiggly.
7. Tax cuts for the rich.
6. Forget swine flu, you should be worried about the Obama death panels.
5. Lock yourself in Y2K bunker.
4. Spray your pork chops with Lysol.
3. Initiate talks with the leader of the pigs, see if we can't work this out.
2. If you see a pig, run!
1. Those microscopic germs don't stand a chance against Dr. Jack Daniels

David Letterman's Top Ten Ways To Irritate Dick Cheney

10.Try to talk to him before he's had his morning heart attack
9.Don't have weapons of mass destruction he keeps saying you had
8.Reveal plot spoilers before he's had a chance to watch "Gossip Girl"
7.Leave the lights on in the dungeon -- "You think I'm made of money?!?!"
6."Accidentally" throw out tub of Crisco he was saving for lunch
5.Call him "Ricky"
4.Beat him in sneering contest
3.Replace Lipitor with refreshing Mentos
2.At dinner ask, "Who's got a good hunting accident story?"
1.Irritate Cheney? No, he's a pretty laid back dude
Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names

Top Ten Ways the Country Would Be Different If Britney Spears Were President (As Read by Britney Spears)

10. I'd be the first president to wear eye shadow since Nixon.
9. We would only invade fun places like Cabo.
8. Free pie for everybody.
7. My Situation Room would be a cabana at the Palms casino in Las Vegas.
6. I'd lure Osama out of hiding with the irresistible scent of my new fragrance 'Circus Fantasy.'
5. Every presidential news conference would feature costume changes.
4. America might have a more coherent fiscal strategy.
3. Challenge U.S. to put nightclub on the moon by the end of the decade.
2. Three words: Vice President Diddy.
1. Finally the media would pay some attention to me Follow On Twitter----Premium Domain Names